I Will Say!

I say “I’m sorry.”
I never wanted you to walk away.

You say “I don’t care anymore.”
I never said I’d quit.

I say “I didn’t mean it.”
I never wanted a tear to fall from your eyes.

You say, “That hurt me so much.”
I know my only defense is “I didn’t know…”

I realize now things I’ve done.
I never knew.  I never thought we’d see this road.

You say, “It’s too late. You’ve sold your last chance.”
I didn’t know you were ready to let go.

I say, “I want you.”
You say, “No.”

I say “I didn’t know.”
I wish you would have told me sooner.

One.
Month.
Sooner.

Some things you say
All about yourself, seem to go to your head.
Let them fall.
Take a lesson learned by us all.
Just let them fall…
But girl, if you claim you saw the world,
And now you say you see 10 years from now,
Tell me, baby, please tell me,
Do you see me alive or dead?
Because the likely latter is making me think,
“It’s best to stay in bed.”

But my father stands in my mind,
As a tall, strong silhouette
He stands before my grandfather
A war hero, better yet.
And the Doubt that resides inside myself
Slowly creeps out to find
A crying terror of myself
Screaming back inside:

“Will I ever be the Man
My father was for me?
Will I ever be the Hero
My grandfather came to be?
Will the children I so hope to hold
Find me a Man and Hero so bold?
Can the model of our namesake be me?
As the men before me never ceased to be..”

Fighting and racing and striving, I try.
I’ve beaten the Doubt I’ve tried to hide.
“Be rid of it and let it die.”
Cause my Life’s before me and I see in you
A timeless love that might not come true.
Cause I’m your beating heart
That crosses o’er state lines
I try to be the rock
You fall back on every time.
But there’s a timeless fight I can’t seem to drive
Residing in my past, I don’t try to revive
I try not to let you down
For just once in your life…
Can I let it go?
Our indomitable wills.
Our different states of mind.
Our separate patterns.
But-
Our similar hearts.
I want us to meet.
Not in the middle.
But meet.

When I knew you before,
You were never mine,
You’re a flower child
Of a new day and rhyme.
And that’s the thing that I…
I can’t seem to bring myself to try
But your silly fear of vampires
Makes me laugh every time…

But I’m waiting and undone.
Is this all you’ve come to see?
I’m holding both arms open
Through all these tears and debris.
And I’m trying to wait for you,
But you let distractions in at every turn.
And you’re slowly losing me at each one
A piece of me never to return.
And I will eventually go down,
A sailor in his beloved ship.
A man willing to drown
In a love that never came to be.

And I can’t win you medals
Or tell you where to place all your bets.
I just want to be yours
Without winning ribbons to go around my neck.

But it’s when I pass Pasadena
That I remember again
What it was like to have you
And your touch upon my skin..
You’re head asleep on my arm
Like an ageless, precious charm
Reluctant to grasp anything else…

What will make this.
What can break this.
What will take this from the ordinary
And run
Run so far away that there would be nothing we could recognize
But this.
Right here.
This moment.
Undoubtedly.
No matter the miles.
No matter the minutes.
No matter the events.
No matter the inevitable loneliness that eats me
From a man to nothing.
Can I rely on this?

Because I look to my fathers.
They are here.
I look to my Father.
He is always here.
And so I look to myself.
And I see a man ready.
Shaking, but nonetheless ready.
We are all scared.
We have all been scared.
But we all have a future.
We all have a story.
We all have a chance.
I’m not going to let a Lost Soul
Rob me of my chance to tell a story of a future past.

From now on I am born with New Wings.
I’m flying. I’m soaring. I’m seeing new things
And from now on,
I will say these things
All these things
That I’ve been so scared to sing
So scared to bring...  to you.
There are days when all of you will see me
And I’ll be past my skin.
I’ll be what I’ve been waiting for all this time:
A future that I am happy to be in!

I hope to see you with me when I am there.