I Will Say!

I say “I’m sorry.”
I never wanted you to walk away.

You say “I don’t care anymore.”
I never said I’d quit.

I say “I didn’t mean it.”
I never wanted a tear to fall from your eyes.

You say, “That hurt me so much.”
I know my only defense is “I didn’t know…”

I realize now things I’ve done.
I never knew.  I never thought we’d see this road.

You say, “It’s too late. You’ve sold your last chance.”
I didn’t know you were ready to let go.

I say, “I want you.”
You say, “No.”

I say “I didn’t know.”
I wish you would have told me sooner.

One.
Month.
Sooner.

Some things you say
All about yourself, seem to go to your head.
Let them fall.
Take a lesson learned by us all.
Just let them fall…
But girl, if you claim you saw the world,
And now you say you see 10 years from now,
Tell me, baby, please tell me,
Do you see me alive or dead?
Because the likely latter is making me think,
“It’s best to stay in bed.”

But my father stands in my mind,
As a tall, strong silhouette
He stands before my grandfather
A war hero, better yet.
And the Doubt that resides inside myself
Slowly creeps out to find
A crying terror of myself
Screaming back inside:

“Will I ever be the Man
My father was for me?
Will I ever be the Hero
My grandfather came to be?
Will the children I so hope to hold
Find me a Man and Hero so bold?
Can the model of our namesake be me?
As the men before me never ceased to be..”

Fighting and racing and striving, I try.
I’ve beaten the Doubt I’ve tried to hide.
“Be rid of it and let it die.”
Cause my Life’s before me and I see in you
A timeless love that might not come true.
Cause I’m your beating heart
That crosses o’er state lines
I try to be the rock
You fall back on every time.
But there’s a timeless fight I can’t seem to drive
Residing in my past, I don’t try to revive
I try not to let you down
For just once in your life…
Can I let it go?
Our indomitable wills.
Our different states of mind.
Our separate patterns.
But-
Our similar hearts.
I want us to meet.
Not in the middle.
But meet.

When I knew you before,
You were never mine,
You’re a flower child
Of a new day and rhyme.
And that’s the thing that I…
I can’t seem to bring myself to try
But your silly fear of vampires
Makes me laugh every time…

But I’m waiting and undone.
Is this all you’ve come to see?
I’m holding both arms open
Through all these tears and debris.
And I’m trying to wait for you,
But you let distractions in at every turn.
And you’re slowly losing me at each one
A piece of me never to return.
And I will eventually go down,
A sailor in his beloved ship.
A man willing to drown
In a love that never came to be.

And I can’t win you medals
Or tell you where to place all your bets.
I just want to be yours
Without winning ribbons to go around my neck.

But it’s when I pass Pasadena
That I remember again
What it was like to have you
And your touch upon my skin..
You’re head asleep on my arm
Like an ageless, precious charm
Reluctant to grasp anything else…

What will make this.
What can break this.
What will take this from the ordinary
And run
Run so far away that there would be nothing we could recognize
But this.
Right here.
This moment.
Undoubtedly.
No matter the miles.
No matter the minutes.
No matter the events.
No matter the inevitable loneliness that eats me
From a man to nothing.
Can I rely on this?

Because I look to my fathers.
They are here.
I look to my Father.
He is always here.
And so I look to myself.
And I see a man ready.
Shaking, but nonetheless ready.
We are all scared.
We have all been scared.
But we all have a future.
We all have a story.
We all have a chance.
I’m not going to let a Lost Soul
Rob me of my chance to tell a story of a future past.

From now on I am born with New Wings.
I’m flying. I’m soaring. I’m seeing new things
And from now on,
I will say these things
All these things
That I’ve been so scared to sing
So scared to bring...  to you.
There are days when all of you will see me
And I’ll be past my skin.
I’ll be what I’ve been waiting for all this time:
A future that I am happy to be in!

I hope to see you with me when I am there.

struck.

the night is young
as the clock strikes 1
and here i lay
awake.

nothing is a distraction
from your satisfaction
but i'm afraid this is a
mistake.

i stare at the ground
as i echo your sound
no matter it real or it
fake.

your image is still the link
to sadly making me think
how much more i can
take.

im struck by you somehow
though it matters not now
because what was left in the
wake.

so ill try to stay away
keep what this is at bay
and be happy with what's left to
make.

but how...?
the slightest sight of her sets my soul to screaming and simply steals the stagnant breath straining to survive my exhale..
she leaves simply the stars to shine in the streamless leftovers of space,
the lingering light from the limitless moon..
i walk out.
i look up.
i am breathless.
i am struck.

i close my eyes to the light of Night's lamp,
let the cold take me.
let the dark shake me.
let the memories break me.
let my exhaling breath remind me that
even though you are not mine nor near
i can still breathe.

yet now,
the decisions i've weighed..
with the mistakes i've made...
if i'd only known what was at
stake..

because the price that i pay
that made you walk and not stay...
is the thought that keeps me struck, sad, and wanting to
break.

Ms. Moments, Repair Me.

The cold is outside.
The same's in my room.
The shame's in my soul.
Its a shame through and through.
When I step out to the wind
The chill comes from within
And I've set my eyes to close-
Just for a few moments of Those

Those moments to see her today.
For living this way
Makes a void that will stay
And hoping just can't cure what she could.
All the days I wish I could trade
Because right now I'm afraid
Of the mistakes that we made
Taking up more time than they Should.

'Should' just never seems fit.
Have we waited too long...
(Has Time dealt His cards?)
We've giving Him much way too much credit.
Another day we've gone missing.
I just cannot stand it.
(Does she miss me as well?)
So I'll pick up some pieces and work for a bit.

We have excuses that are stupid..
We are scared and for what..
We all never get it..
Are we all out of luck..
Cause he dances with fire
As she cares for his name.
But how does it all work?
I know it's not just a game.

We figure out people, but no, never ourselves.
We try out new masks, to keep on our shelves.
We display what we want, but never for keeps.
We have a desire inside us, always too weak.

So the life that we live-
Considered only a moment-
Will we spend it in love
Or a long, drug out torment?

No.
I want to make this Moment, one I won't regret;

If it takes starting again, then I won't hesitate.
I've waited these years, too long to forfeit,
Yes, it hurts my pride,
But what good will that do?
If the only thing it does
Is hurt me and you..

Bluebonnet's Sorrow

There's red soaked in the carpet...
There's red on the back wall...
And a grown man is crying
Talking into his last phone call.

"My love, you have left me...
I have no idea what to do...
But you took my heart from me
So I take your sons from you."

The knife was already drawn...
Then slowly with a small yell...
And in that swift moment
All Heaven went to Hell.

It all seemed so fake...
No one really knew...
Until the gunfire was heard
Then we all knew it was true.

It's not just 'life and death'...
Cause that Third story blast...
Will always be the sound
That I'll never quite get past.

The two boys were always playing...
We all saw them running around...
But their laughter was taken
By those loud muzzle shot sounds.

The women all were crying...
The men all swallowed tears...
And when the bags were carried out
It confirmed all our fears.

When man looses love,
It's no rite to take life.
Why take your two sons
When you only lost your wife?

What other shaded colors of ghosts
Can exist in this concrete place?
The execution of young boys
Cannot be easily erased...
It's not just a sad, simple story
That we'll all just "have to face."

May this be a wake up call to us all...
Crimes of Passion, Love, or Treason...
To take the lives of the innocent
Is never a form of justified reason.