Catalyst No More

is the way i live not enough for you?
is it an addiction to always try something new?
my life must seem so simple enough
not enough to be what is up to snuff
but was it something that i said
that made you bring these lies to bed
so what did I do?
what would you do?
what should I do?

so tell me, is the way things were before?
what you liked, when knocked out cold and on the floor
these habits made, i cant embrace
demons to me, is what you'd chase.
now these things all come to light
like a haunting killing me in the night
so what did I do?
what would you do?
what should I do?

and the look thats on your face
Is not simply something that i can easily erase
and this uneasy sadness in your tone
is something your lies do not condone
cause soon you'll find tuesday in the mail
and you may realize how fast this fell
so what did I do?
what did I do?
what did I do?


The Fight

It's as if the bells were rung
From the moment I came around
Because ever since I can remember
You knock me down to the ground

Not as if I don't deserve it
I never seem to learn
I get right back up swinging
My Foe is none of my concern

Though now I see its always You
And You always let me swing away
And every time I hit the floor
Until things appear to go my way

This time, You've packed Your punch
You've knocked me completely off my feet
When I thought things were going my way
I taste the blood from missing teeth

I've fought You in all to destruction
I brought it on myself single handedly
I'm knocked out, bent, and broken
My life is sustained only through mercy

What a dull spectrum I am
What a murky creature I've become
How many ways I disrespect Your name
So many offenses cannot be undone

And in the midst of it all, You're here
Standing over me in a weeping stare
I know it though I still continue
You are faithful, though it's unfair

I am dying out on this open ground
Crawling, swinging, bleeding out
Why am I so stubborn against no foe
I am a foolish child beyond all doubt

What a sorry creature I must be
A broken life with a hopeful soul
Only Your essence can correct
Giving life as age into ages roll

I am broken and surrendered!
Bring me to tears and to my knees
Let Your power crash my foundation
Transform me into what You please

Your patience paralyzes my everything 
I'm embarrassed of decisions I've made
Then You take me out of the shadows
And remind me my debt is already paid

My time remaining is simply slipping
And I am purely and utterly next to nothing
So come and save me from myself
Remind me that only then am I anything.


Hollow Council.

Old man of words;
Speak to me.
Tell me of things I have not seen.
Your eyes cast in sorrow,
Filled with tears
For a world that will never be clean.
Nothing left for tomorrow.

Old man of wisdom;
Educate me.
Tell me of theories I'd never conceive.
Your brow is tired of thinking,
Wrought with concepts
From dreary lessons you hate to believe.
Simply tired of teaching.

Old man of  visions;
Enlighten me.
Tell me of places I will never see.
Your feet are worn from travel,
Dark with soil
From numerous journeys of mystery.
Nothing left to marvel.

Old man of power;
Strengthen me.
Tell me of battles I could not weather.
Your body scarred from war,
Red with blood
From enemies darkened by terror.
Survival is never sure.

Old men of counsel;
Listen now to me.
I tell you of someone you've forgot.
Her lesson drenched in joy,
Filled with hope
For those who give her voice a shot.
Nothing about her is coy.

Oh lady of love;
Adore us again.
Help us find the gift we cannot grow.
Your heart unconditionally steady
Filled with anticipation
To make us happier than we'll ever know.
Happier and ever ready.


Change of Pace

The space where hearts are meant to beat,
Seems to be a cavity behind my lung
Damaged from a time when I tried
Leaving me hollow and undone.

Was I gone that long..
Did I miss that much..
Did that one day come,
When she said she'd had enough..

Did she forget about this..
I know that I never did..
I just wanted us happy,
How did she move on before an end?

I'm alone now and afraid.
I know I can't forget her.
She's happy now and gone.
And now I'm just a loser.

I may never win any medals..
No ribbons nor rewards..
I'm not a winner, but I'll say, 'okay..'
All I wanted was to be is 'yours'.

And if all of this is chaos
Bringing about feast or famine
Remind me just to give up
And handover all things to abandon.

But why is all of this now
For once finally feeling fair..?
I was once just tired of falling;
And simply crashing into air

But now into dark of night
Straight into where I dive,
I betray myself every mile
That I continue to drive.

And now as Bonfire begins to play
Again once more after itself
It reminds me of all the damage
That I've brought upon myself..

But the next that comes to playing
As it seeps in through to my ears
Wells up tears from how she's made me feel
Throughout all the memories of the years...

Mixed feelings in these memories multitude
Hung up proudly in their frames
As though my mind were a hallway
With enough room for theses pictures, it can't contain.

But my smile breaks through stronger,
Than the sun in all its power,
My mind is in the slow lane, but,
My heart blazes by at unclocked miles per hour.

Because there's a future, now, that's out there
One that I just cannot wait to find,
And this time, I cannot be held back,
I simply will not fall behind.

Not on this trail I'm blazing,
Not on this path I walk,
And I won't let myself be bothered
By the Past's misery talk.

So now, c'mon!  Let's run!
We have no time to waste!
There's no need in looking back,
Show me the meaning of haste!

And as the spotlights begin to sweep
Across the cloud filled sky,
My lungs fill faster and even faster,
"May this exhilaration not be a lie!"

So, Night, devour and empower me
To come alive again!
Let Distance shrink into nothingness,
Reviving as a Friend.

And as Daylight tears through Darkness,
And breaks out across the horizon
May I hold her like I never have
Joyful that this Day has finally come.


Desired Love Unwanted

Here I am.
Here I stand,
A single man, a simple soul.
Here I breathe.
Here I see,
An abounding love, out of control.

There you are.
There you shine,
One of beauty, one so defined.
There you watch.
There you stay,
Unable to love, unable to find.

Here I am.
There I was,
I was waiting, I was wanting.
Here you are.
There you were,
You were disgusted, You were unwilling.

My soul fell.
My heart broke.
Was it lies? You didn't care...
Took for yourself.
Took it all.
Scoffed my love, You weren't fair.

Time has passed.
Time is now,
A new day, wrong dawn, sad future.
One where you cry.
One where I sigh,
And pray you regret your change into this creature.


Here I am.
Here I stand,
A man alone, a soul degraded
Where I long.
Where I wonder,
Waiting for you, My love unfaded...



By the edge of the bank,
The wayside of the water,
Memories rehashed
Of times spent in horror..
I speak from my soul,
My heart and my mind
In a painful reviving
Of the sullen, dark time.
Apologies, corrections,
Explanations I'm told
Of the events only rumored
Reanimating sadness so bold..

Then actions spoke out,
Much louder than words,
And I'm born into a place
That's not of this world.
A state where I'm happy,
But sad and confused..
Where I'm free from a burden
Though poised maybe to lose.

Either way in this place,
I won't let it go.
I've waited too long
To let it pass and never know.
It's a tad tainted, but pure.
Truly bittersweet to the core.
The taste of closure
That opens more doors.

So I take off into the night,
Departing for a new home,
Thoughts now born run berserk,
My mind is set widened to roam.
Now my world's upside down.
My split emotions in strife.
These random twists seem abundant
In this chapter of my life.

Pros and cons are my songs
As I now sift through my days
In an odd pleasant confusion
Of new directions and ways..
As the voice of reason echos out
Following desire and wanting more,
When innocent love chimes her song
That we both simply cannot ignore:

"Is this what you want?
Is this what you need?
Is this something inside
That you just want to scream?
To the top of your lungs,
To the top of this earth,
Does the freedom this gives you
Best all other matters of worth?
Does this mean enough to you
To hold on to what you find...
Give hope to this unknown
That it may be one of a kind?"

Is there anything left to believe in?
My God, I hope this is true....
I know what I believe in, but
Somethings cannot be seen through.

So after the choices are made,
Of pathways I choose to take,
I realize I must be aware
These are the decisions I've made.
So this new peaceful confusion
I believe not to be Love's illusion
But rather my Past's evolution
Leading to a new happy conclusion.


Starboard at Starlight.

A small ship is set in the sea..
There's seems to be no movement...
The anchor holds steadfast.

The winds are slow and steady..
The breeze is blowing comfortably...
The scene peaceful and still.

A lone sailor sits at starboard..
The horizon shines in his tired eyes...
Ever-patient, he sits waiting.

His Siren one day may come..
To Her song he finds himself addicted...
But without warning, she left.

He believes in his adventure..
As does the village where he came from...
Their faith may be misplaced.

He is the same but changed..
Stronger now to withhold these waves...
Like the Siren that swims away.

A sailor dies on the deck tonight..
With the waves, the buoys wave farewell...
How long did he wait?

As his spirit fades away at dusk..
He finds her song indirectly on the waves...
Can he grasp back to his body?

Dusk now turns against daylight..
The moon illuminates this sorrow scene...
They may only have till Midnight.

Do we rely now on the Lighthouse..
Did he need more light on the bow to find her...
There was no damage to the wale.

Starlight finds us waiting..
To see his body lying in the dawn...
Ever-patient now the Siren?

But the waves will always pound..
The ship hull moves and tosses about...
But the anchor holds steadfast.


Striving for a Star.

I've seen planets divide
Shooting stars that collide
And places where men have not seen.
I've seen galaxies folding
And black holes closing
But I never can seem to get clean.
Because I want to be shown
Where angels cannot roam
I've given up labor for flavor and lust.
Surpassing what makes people die.
When confused if Life's worth the try.
I've lost all intentions to find someone to trust...

But as time passes on
And the old worlds have gone,
And all these new stars appear;
You can go on forever
Holding my heart as your treasure
Standing guard against all that you fear.
Because I can't explain why,
No matter the manner I try,
The feeling cuts through my heart like a knife,
And no matter how you may cause me pain,
Somehow this fact will still remain,
That I will love you the rest of my life.

So whether we only stay friends
Or together in Life's how we end,
I promise I'm nothing for you to fear...
No matter the pain you may cause,
I know that you have flaws,
So know that I'll always be near.
And I really want you to know,
No matter which way Life may go
I'll never forget how you look, sound, and feel
For the bright colors you've made,
In my life full of grey shade,
Creates a perfect picture that's always real..



Dear My God,
May I always remember You in times like these.
You pick me up every. single. time.
May I never think that I can solve all with ease.
Your forgiveness is. pure. strength.
May I never have to break to call out Your name.
Your grace is something I. cant. grasp.
May my sins remind me that I am the one to blame.
Your mercy renders the. entire. universe.
May I be equipped in You when in time of attack.
Your holiness brings me to. my. knees.
May Your Light and the angels not turn their back.
Your presence alone would absorb. my soul.
May Your forgiveness be my unyielding addiction.
Your spoken Name creates. and. destroys.
May these truths been seen as my unworthy benediction.
Your love for me I don't understand. or. grasp.
Dear My Lord,
Never let me forget Your power.
Never let me forget Your glory.
Never let me forget Your honor.
Never let me forget Your story.

Let a single drop, I pray,
Of Your Son's blood, today,
Strike my head and trickle down
My filth struck body, but before the ground,
May I swipe it up to touch another
To spread Your story, before I am put under.



Why She Sings

Young girl,
Why do you sing?
Little darling,
Why is it sadness that you bring?
You sing a sad song,
The melody tells of love gone wrong.
Young girl,
Why do you sing?

Precious daughter,
Your song has no reply...
Fairest lady,
Let the tears fall from your eyes...
Just give it a bit of time,
Your chorus matches that of mine.
Young girl,
Why do you sing?

Lovely bella,
Why are you sad?
Fallen angel,
Be happy for the love you had.
Your sorrow will not last,
This broken feeling, I just got past.
Young girl,
Why do you sing?

Why do you sing?
Why do you sing?
There's a harmony that's playing-
That makes Fall seem like Spring.
There's a million hearts exploding-
Making birds take to their wings!
So, oh young girl,
Why is there this sad song that you sing?

This song you sing to me,
I've heard it once before...
'cause I've been heartbroken
And, of that, I am sure.
But I, like this past time,
And my past, so unpure,
Let Time take control
Of the heartache that is yours.

Crying blue eyes,
You'll find other lovers.
Anxious friend,
Take the weight o' the world off your shoulders.
You have strength, let it show
Feel the relief of letting him go.
Young girl,
There is no need to sing.

Young girl,
Is that a new song that you sing?
Have you, like me,
Clipped off painful wings?
Have you taken up Time
To realize unwanted things?
Letting go has become easier than it seemed.

So let the attributes of those we let fly,
Go on their own flightlesss way,
And for some reason why,
Let not our hearts
Sever up those ties
So that all the tears
That we, no doubt, will cry
Be not those of sadness,
But of love that has died,
That will come back to us,
Whether in truth or in try,
To stay with us our days
And continue on after we die.

Your song now is beautiful.
May I hear it again?
The sweet melody of your voice
Melts me down from within...
Your chorus is perfect
Like it, I've never heard
There's new life and new joy
Birthing from every word.
Young girl,
With her chime, rhyme, and ring
It's now easy to see
Why it is that she sings.


Heard 'Round the World

In this instance
There's a distance
Just a glance from your eyes,
Is like a paralyzing strike,
But a surely pleasant surprise.
Yet now I'm a hostage
Hung from the high bridge
Your eyes contain nothing but voltage,
I cant catch my breath!
Like the time
We combined
In clasping hold outside the airline
It was the embrace heard 'round the world...
Now suddenly you're not that same girl
For in your sudden ethereal attack,
From which I won't be coming back,
I heard no alibi
Nor reason why
You failed,
When I tried.
So I laughed,
When you cried
And it all fell apart
And it died.
You expected so much and no compromise..
Cause all I wanted was a small promise
That you'd be my accomplice
And tear this old town down
From the suburbs to downtown
Flying free with no law-
We could just run around
But you took that old painting
Blew the dust off from static cling
And turned what we had
Into some worthless form of nothing,
A frozen misrepresentation of a dynamic fling.
Because you never saw
That I wanted to give you everything
Every place we turned.
Every which way.
Every second I drew breath.
But now there's nothing... left but a new pain and regret
To wake up to
Every single day.



There's no corner to run and hide in...
No refuge raised up to climb...
This place is now a battleground-
And it's killing time!
My feet are solid.
My stance is firm.
Bullets flying by my eyes,
My target is confirmed.

There's no way you can break me.
No explosion set off can shake me.
Because this place is a battleground
And now!
It's fighting time!

The skies are split back,
With the deepest, darkest lies.
My enemy doth surround me,
With their hateful battle cries.
And although I am alone and mangled,
Go rally your destructive brigade
Because the terror that I'm going to wreck
Will be unheard of for this age!

No soldiers left alive are perfect
And I can't yell over your gun blasts,
So forgive me when I've failed you
But your bullets fly too fast!
My wounds are open
My blood is drained
Your bullets pierce the heart,
But my fervor will still remain.

There's no way you can break me.
No weapon you wield will shake me.
Because this place is a battleground
And now!
It's charging time!

And I gave you all this time
And every time you ran away.
But time has come to turning,
And I think it's better off this way.
My presence is overwhelming.
My gun is locked and loaded.
My firearms and fired eyes
Will bring up life from my explosions.

So saddle up your horses
Come on!  It's time to ride!
I'm tired of you backing down,
Stay in the corner where you hide!
You'll be waiting for my cavalry
But this time, I doubt I'll come for you
I'm tired of wasting time
Now that I have nothing left to lose.

There's no way you can break me
No artillery you fire will shake me
Because this place is a battleground
And now!
It's riding time!

I'm not scared at all.
This warrior's ready to die.
I strike up more than simple fear,
And it's warring time!
Everything about me is a warzone, ready to implode!
It is a littered minefield, set it off, watch me explode!
But I charge past the traps-
To lash out with everything
Against the two faced and too fake
Who can't resolve anything.
My strategy is flawless.
My attack is severe.
And it's about to become obvious
Which side is winning here.

Because there is no way you can break me.
I will not falter.
Because nothing you can do will shake me.
I will not back down.
Because this place is a battleground.
I will fight 'til my death.
And now!
Here is where I make my stand.
It's finally time.
It is only Victory that I demand.


This Time Around

Lets go back,
Dear God,
Lets go back!
Back in time
Though it could take a while
This time to press rewind
And simply find a time
When I still felt alive.
Yes, it's wrong to have this done,
But I've become a cynical critic
Of what you have become,
And you take my heart out daily
And beat it to death like a drum.
There seems to be no shame, no remorse
No sense for anyone else.
There are other people with their own lives
It's not just you and yourself...

But this May has brought you changes.
Ones you fear you're not ready to face,
But the faith in you that you find in us
Is more than enough to overtake-
Overtake the mistakes
And these 1 minute heartbreaks that we create
In those annoying little habits
Hopefully Time will one day shake.

But I hope the day never comes
When you may finally see
That you'd have been completely better off
Without having ever met me.
Because I'm not the one that wants to change you
But the one who challenges you to do
And to be more than what you want to be
Go past the things you cannot yet see
And become someone better than me.

But until then,
I'm done,
And they've said they're done,
We all seem to be sick now
Of what it is that you've become
Until a time does come when,
These excuses that you've made
And all the expressions that you've faked
Will be coming around
Just slamming the ground
Like a lifelong insult packed into these last few months
What was wrong with who I am now?
What was wrong with who you were back then?
Is it such a fairy tale to think
That I could live those times again?

So tell me a time twisting tale to talk about twice in tough times
Because I'm anesthetized by the beginning of your unwanted reprise
Like a dog on a leash
Just crying to be released
I just bark and yell
Though you never can tell
That I'm just screaming and pleading to go through that door
Not the door to let in the wind
But it's the door that will let us in
Because there's a disease in my heart
That's named after you
An infection of my soul
And I don't know what to do,
And it saddens me
Because.. neither do you.

I feel like an inmate in a penitentiary.
Just waiting for my sentence to be up
Somewhere around the end of this next century
And in this prison, love isnt present here,
None of it seems to be worth it at all, I fear...
And they're just getting sick of your cliche
You never seem to think of what you say
And regrettably,
It's all going to come back as regret one day.

What though can we do?
Please, what can be done?
We've been abiding all this time
But the time to change has come.
And no,
We aren't the same.
I know.

And no,
We aren't the same.
That's good.

And no,
We AREN'T the same...
We both know.
But there's no reason for anger.
There's no point in pain.
There's no sense in giving up.
I'm not doing this again.

The stage in this fiasco is over for me.
The beauty in this art is now terrible.
The curtain on this act has fallen.
Why is this more liberating than awful?
Painful and Miserable?

So after this time is what I'm sticking to
There is a decision to be made
And I have to choose
So I'll have to follow up
With my choice to move
Not because I want to
But because I have something I have to prove
That I'm tired of leaving my heart out to lose.
If you want it,
Its yours.
If you don't,
Goodbye, at least for now...

So Dad,
Tell Mom I love her.
And Mom,
Tell Dad you know.
It's time for these difference to take place.
Your son is ready to grow.
I'm finally prepared again to take back my heart
And rob her of what she could know.


The Sea, The Sand, and She

It's not surprising for the ocean
To see countless waves go by.
It's not a mystery to the crashing waves
To push the sands of the rising tide.
However, when the sky does grows dim
And the sun goes down to hide,
The moon awakes to make the white wash waves
And bring light of times I tried.

It's not surprising for others around
To see me laugh and having fun.
It's not a mystery for my father
To hear me sad and come undone.
However, it's obvious, at least, to me
At the setting of the sun
The mistakes I've made throughout the day
And the things I should have done.

But I hope it's not surprising
For you to know I am sorry.
And I hope it's not a mystery
To see you make me happy.
And I pray it's obvious to you,
As the horizon atop the sea,
That the stumbles and tumbles that we seem to make
Won't change what you mean to me.


I Will Say!

I say “I’m sorry.”
I never wanted you to walk away.

You say “I don’t care anymore.”
I never said I’d quit.

I say “I didn’t mean it.”
I never wanted a tear to fall from your eyes.

You say, “That hurt me so much.”
I know my only defense is “I didn’t know…”

I realize now things I’ve done.
I never knew.  I never thought we’d see this road.

You say, “It’s too late. You’ve sold your last chance.”
I didn’t know you were ready to let go.

I say, “I want you.”
You say, “No.”

I say “I didn’t know.”
I wish you would have told me sooner.


Some things you say
All about yourself, seem to go to your head.
Let them fall.
Take a lesson learned by us all.
Just let them fall…
But girl, if you claim you saw the world,
And now you say you see 10 years from now,
Tell me, baby, please tell me,
Do you see me alive or dead?
Because the likely latter is making me think,
“It’s best to stay in bed.”

But my father stands in my mind,
As a tall, strong silhouette
He stands before my grandfather
A war hero, better yet.
And the Doubt that resides inside myself
Slowly creeps out to find
A crying terror of myself
Screaming back inside:

“Will I ever be the Man
My father was for me?
Will I ever be the Hero
My grandfather came to be?
Will the children I so hope to hold
Find me a Man and Hero so bold?
Can the model of our namesake be me?
As the men before me never ceased to be..”

Fighting and racing and striving, I try.
I’ve beaten the Doubt I’ve tried to hide.
“Be rid of it and let it die.”
Cause my Life’s before me and I see in you
A timeless love that might not come true.
Cause I’m your beating heart
That crosses o’er state lines
I try to be the rock
You fall back on every time.
But there’s a timeless fight I can’t seem to drive
Residing in my past, I don’t try to revive
I try not to let you down
For just once in your life…
Can I let it go?
Our indomitable wills.
Our different states of mind.
Our separate patterns.
Our similar hearts.
I want us to meet.
Not in the middle.
But meet.

When I knew you before,
You were never mine,
You’re a flower child
Of a new day and rhyme.
And that’s the thing that I…
I can’t seem to bring myself to try
But your silly fear of vampires
Makes me laugh every time…

But I’m waiting and undone.
Is this all you’ve come to see?
I’m holding both arms open
Through all these tears and debris.
And I’m trying to wait for you,
But you let distractions in at every turn.
And you’re slowly losing me at each one
A piece of me never to return.
And I will eventually go down,
A sailor in his beloved ship.
A man willing to drown
In a love that never came to be.

And I can’t win you medals
Or tell you where to place all your bets.
I just want to be yours
Without winning ribbons to go around my neck.

But it’s when I pass Pasadena
That I remember again
What it was like to have you
And your touch upon my skin..
You’re head asleep on my arm
Like an ageless, precious charm
Reluctant to grasp anything else…

What will make this.
What can break this.
What will take this from the ordinary
And run
Run so far away that there would be nothing we could recognize
But this.
Right here.
This moment.
No matter the miles.
No matter the minutes.
No matter the events.
No matter the inevitable loneliness that eats me
From a man to nothing.
Can I rely on this?

Because I look to my fathers.
They are here.
I look to my Father.
He is always here.
And so I look to myself.
And I see a man ready.
Shaking, but nonetheless ready.
We are all scared.
We have all been scared.
But we all have a future.
We all have a story.
We all have a chance.
I’m not going to let a Lost Soul
Rob me of my chance to tell a story of a future past.

From now on I am born with New Wings.
I’m flying. I’m soaring. I’m seeing new things
And from now on,
I will say these things
All these things
That I’ve been so scared to sing
So scared to bring...  to you.
There are days when all of you will see me
And I’ll be past my skin.
I’ll be what I’ve been waiting for all this time:
A future that I am happy to be in!

I hope to see you with me when I am there.